Unlike other forms of childcare that focus solely on supervision, hosting an Au Pair offers a cultural exchange where both sides grow through shared experiences. But that only really works when there’s open, respectful communication.
In this guide, we’re talking about something that can feel a little tricky at first: how to give good feedback. Clear and kind communication helps your Au Pair feel supported, avoids misunderstandings, and keeps conversations positive and focused on learning instead of blame. Let’s start with why giving feedback to your Au Pair is important for helping them succeed.
Why Is Giving Effective Feedback Important for Host Families?
In every kind of working relationship, feedback helps keep things moving in the right direction while also making people feel supported. This matters even more in an Au Pair arrangement because the personal and professional boundaries often overlap significantly. Your Au Pair lives with you, cares for your kids, and becomes part of your daily life. Feedback helps create mutual understanding and supports a respectful and collaborative environment at home.
How Does Good Feedback Help Your Au Pair Succeed?
Specific, positive, and constructive feedback gives your Au Pair something clear to work with, especially during the initial adjustment period when everything is new and unfamiliar. Effective feedback helps them understand what’s expected, recognize what’s working, and adjust where needed, which, in turn, encourages learning and a stronger sense of belonging.
How Does Feedback Build a Stronger Host Family–Au Pair Relationship?
Ongoing feedback helps keep expectations clear and communication open. When you take the time to gently talk through what feels right and what could use a different approach, it shows that you care and that you’re paying attention. It also creates space for honesty on both sides, which helps prevent tension and encourages a more relaxed, supportive relationship. Over time, this kind of communication helps your family and your Au Pair feel more connected.
How Often Should “Formal” Feedback Be Given?
Learning how to give someone feedback, especially in a live-in caregiving role, means finding the right rhythm. Offering too much too often can feel like criticism, while saying too little or nothing at all can leave the Au Pair unsure of how they’re doing. For Host Families, finding that balance means combining regular informal check-ins with more intentional, formal conversations.
Formal feedback opens up a dedicated time to reflect on how the Au Pair’s experience is going, beyond the usual day-to-day chats. It helps clarify expectations and surface concerns early, supporting the Au Pair’s growth more thoughtfully.
Here are a few recommendations on how to time your feedback to help foster communication and growth.
- During the adjustment period: Plan a formal feedback session within the first few weeks to discuss how the Au Pair is settling in, clarify expectations, and check in on any early questions or concerns.
- At regular intervals (e.g., monthly or quarterly): Set a recurring time to discuss what’s going well and where things could improve. Regular reflection helps both sides stay connected and avoid minor frustrations piling up.
- After key milestones or changes: Have a formal conversation when something significant changes, like a new school term, shift in routine, etc.
- At the end of the placement year: Wrap up the experience with a final feedback session. This is the perfect opportunity to recognize the Au Pair’s growth, discuss highlights, and give the Au Pair a meaningful sense of closure.
How to Give Good Feedback to Your Au Pair
Most of us don’t think about how to give feedback until we’re in a moment where something doesn’t feel right and we’re not quite sure how to say it. In these situations, what matters the most is the way feedback is delivered. When it’s clear, kind, and well-timed, it supports learning and strengthens the relationship.
Below are a few tips for giving feedback that you can use as a Host Family to make these conversations more effective and easier to navigate for everyone.
1. Use the Situation-Behavior-Impact Model to Provide Feedback
The Situation-Behavior-Impact Model, or SBI, is a tool developed by the Center for Creative Leadership to keep feedback clear and grounded in facts. To use it, you describe the situation, the behavior you observed, and the impact it had. For example:
“Yesterday afternoon (situation), you were 10 minutes late to pick up the kids (behavior), which made us all feel rushed getting to soccer practice (impact).”
Or
“This morning before school (situation), you reminded the kids to grab their homework folders without any prompting (behavior), which helped the morning stay calm and organized (impact).”
The SBI keeps things focused and less emotional, making it easier to talk through what happened and how to move forward.
2. Focus on Specific Behaviors, Not Personality
Similarly to the SBI model, when giving feedback, it’s always a good idea to focus on behaviors rather than making it about who they are as a person. So, instead of saying “You’re disorganized,” you might say, “The kids’ lunches weren’t packed this morning, so we were late getting out the door.” This kind of feedback is easier to hear because it’s tied to actions, not traits. It helps your Au Pair know precisely what needs attention and encourages change without hurting confidence.
3. Take a Respectful, Supportive Approach
Feedback lands better when it feels like a conversation, not a correction. Keep your tone calm, body language open, and words considerate. Sharing a mix of positive observations and helpful suggestions makes it clear that your goal is support, not criticism.
4. Be Timely with Your Feedback
As much as possible, try to speak up while the moment is still fresh instead of waiting for the end of the day or the end of the month to bring something up. A quick check-in right after it happens is usually best if it’s something small. For anything more in-depth, set time aside during a weekly meeting so there’s room to talk it through without rushing.
5. Remember the 5 R’s of Feedback
A helpful way to check in with yourself before giving feedback is to run through the 5 R’s. These simple guidelines keep conversations mindful and supportive for you and your Au Pair.
What are the 5 R’s of Feedback?
- Be Respectful: Show your Au Pair you care about their effort and perspective.
- Be Regular: Don’t wait for significant issues; consistent feedback keeps communication natural.
- Be Relevant: Keep the focus on what matters day to day.
- Be Realistic: Ensure your expectations fit your Au Pair’s experience and role.
- Be Reflective: Consider how you communicate and stay open to adjusting your approach.
Remember: feedback works best when it’s an ongoing, kind, two-way conversation. Next, let’s look at how Host Families can receive feedback from their Au Pair in a way that encourages trust and honesty.
How to Receive Feedback from Your Au Pair
Feedback goes both ways. When you invite input, you show respect for your Au Pair’s experience and encourage a more open and collaborative relationship. It also helps reduce tension since minor frustrations don’t have time to build when there’s space to speak honestly. Being open to feedback sets the tone for trust and shared responsibility at home.
Now that we’ve discussed how to give feedback to your Au Pair, here are some tips on how to receive it with grace and curiosity:
1. Encourage Open Communication
Start by making it clear that your Au Pair’s voice matters. Questions like “How has the bedtime routine been going for you?” or “Is there anything you’d like to do differently?” invite conversation without pressuring them to speak up unprompted. Keep the energy relaxed. A casual chat during a walk or over coffee can often lead to more honest, helpful insights than a formal sit-down.
2. Receive Constructive Feedback Gracefully
No one loves hearing they could be doing something better, but how you respond matters. Try to pause before reacting, thank your Au Pair for their honesty, and tell them you’ll think about what they said. Even if you don’t agree with every detail, showing that you’re open to their perspective helps them feel respected and heard.
3. Practice Active Listening
Always give your full attention. That means no interrupting, no jumping in with quick fixes, and no distractions while they’re speaking. After they finish, reflect back what you heard in your own words. Something simple, like “So it sounds like you’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed in the mornings?” can go a long way in showing you’re really listening.
4. Be Aware of Your Response
Sometimes our bodies react before our words do. A sigh, crossed arms, or a sharp tone can shut a conversation down quickly, even if that’s not your intent. Keep your posture open, nod as they speak, and soften your voice if things feel tense to signal your Au Pair it’s safe to be honest.
5. Reflect and Follow Up
After the conversation, take a little time to think. If something needs to change, act on it when possible, or explain why you’re sticking to a particular routine. Then, check in later to see how things are going.
Managing Difficult Conversations: Quick Tips for Giving Feedback
Some feedback conversations are easy, and others feel awkward or emotionally charged. That’s normal, especially in such a personal setting. But even when the topic is challenging, staying calm and clear helps keep trust intact and makes it easier to move forward together. Consider the following tips:
- Prepare ahead of time when approaching tough feedback: Think through what you want to say, stick to the main points, and consider how your Au Pair might feel hearing it.
- Stay calm and focus on facts: Keep the conversation centered on what actually happened. Describe specific moments and behaviors instead of generalizing or letting emotions take over.
- Be timely but sensitive: Address issues sooner rather than later, but choose a time when you and your Au Pair can talk privately and without distractions.
- Balance positive and constructive points: To promote a supportive tone, start with something positive, address the concern, and end with encouragement.
- Ask for their perspective: Invite your Au Pair to share their view to ensure they feel heard and respected during the conversation.
- Offer solutions and support: Focus on working together to improve the situation rather than just pointing out the problem.
Handling feedback with care and kindness helps keep the relationship strong, even when it feels uncomfortable. Difficult conversations are part of sharing a home and daily life, but they can also lead to better communication, mutual respect, and real growth on both sides.
Build a Positive, Collaborative Au Pair Experience
Respectful, ongoing feedback helps create a supportive and collaborative relationship between your family and your Au Pair. Though it might not always feel comfortable, regular conversations, both casual and more intentional, make it easier to work through challenges, celebrate progress, and stay aligned as daily life evolves.
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